Hey guys I don’t get hit on after shows. I know that’s a lot to take in at once and that you probably don’t believe it either but don’t worry cause sometimes I lie about it to my friends or my girlfriend so they think I can mash poon. So it’s time for big fat Dylan to come clean and tell you the two times that I’ve been kind of hit on.
Just a couple weeks ago I was going to the bathroom after the show and a very pretty girl stopped me and said “You’re like not hot, but you were funny so like that’s hot”. Like when anyone talks to me when I’m not suspecting it I was stunned for a second and she just blankly looked at me with her mouth wide open. Not in a sexy way in a “why haven’t you said anything it’s been 5 seconds” way.
So I said “Yeah okay, alright, yes” and apparently my sweet four affirmatives reply wasn’t what she was looking for I guess cause she just said “Alright…” and walked away really werided out.
Another time after the show a gorgeous woman made direct eye contact with me from across the room. I was standing by the entrance to the club selling my DVDs and she started to walk towards me. I was getting very nervous and my first thought was “Oh shit now I have to turn down a beautiful woman. I’m gonna feel so cool after this”. I can’t stress enough that I’ve been waiting my whole life to turn down a hot girl as retribution for them never having sex with me, plus a whole other slew of problems I have that I blame on them.
So I put my hands in my pockets and prepared to say “Nah babe” and face push the shit outta this girl. Then she says “My mom really thought you were handsome, I don’t get it.” Before I can be disappointed her mom comes in from my blind side and very excitedly says/yells “Your cheeks are just so pudgy..like a big bearded baby!” She then gave me a twenty and said/yelled “Keep the change baby!” I confusedly said thanks and looked back at the daughter who shrugged then followed her mom out of club. Another comic on the show who saw the whole thing leaned in to me and said “We should fuck those two”
So there you have it, two things that happened to me. Hopefully I’ll get to reject Jessica Alba one day by reading her dairy out loud at the Ocscars to get all my stupid loser rage out of me but until then I have writing this stuff. Please comment if you didn’t enjoy this so I can assume that all of you did.