Annoying Jerks

I don’t hate hipsters and I don’t hate jocks but both groups can be douches in their own special way.

As I write this I’m in a really cool coffee shop and everyone keeps looking at me weird because I’m in my patented collared shirt under a sweater look that has won me countless pageants.

The waiter who has a pompadour with a white streak in it like he’s a totally punk pepe le pou asked me if I could not sit at the bar. That doesn’t sound bad but he looked at me like I was start protesting gay marriage and abortion while eating raw kitten in front of him. Now there’s a very cool spanish guy sitting in the same spot I was going to hitting on a pretty asian lady in big glasses.

Every part of me right now wants to snap my fingers and when he comes ask if he could change this moody jazz to something that isn’t butt fuck music. Or try and beat him at his own game and ask him if he could stop playing this hack and play some Wynton Marsalis. But that would mean that I’d have to be sure that this isn’t Wynton Marsalis.

The only thing I can think to do right now is watch football documentaries really loudly and keep yelling “I oh fucking remember that!” But I have compromised and am watching football with ear buds in and calling him a piece of shit in my head.

I once made the mistake of going to a UFC pay per view showing at a bar wearing a trench coat. It was raining plus I wanted to wear a trench coat. I got to the bar, I thought my friend Jeff was at and looked back and forth for Jeff and in that 1 second got called a fag. I figured if they called me a fag then Jeff must not be here (booya) because it seemed like it was the first time they had said that all night.

So I left and got a text that he was down the street and started out as I walked down the street I was called a faggot by a guy wearing a shirt that could have really just been spray painted on him.

Now if anyone has been called a fag by a guy, you know that they are just making fun of you in their very well thought out and perfected way. If you get called a faggot then that means that dummy wants to beat you because girls didn’t like the “I totally almost made rep” line at the bar.

So I handled it the way I do and stuck my head down and speed walked away while they laughed at me. I wish there was a part in that story where I struck back and destroyed them and their values all while smoking like the hugest doob ever but that’s how it ends.

I get to the theatre (classy) that the show is on at and try to meet Jeff at his seat. I slide across like it’s a movie theatre and I have to go to the bathroom and in the process bump a guys knee then he get’s up and asks why I’m being such a pussy and his friend beside him shot out of his seat and tried to calm his down saying “Don’t do this again” then the guy looked at him blankly like he didn’t understand the words just the fact that his friend didn’t want him to smash this total puss yet and calmly watched the show two seats over from me for another two hours.

So there you have it people can be jerks. I’ve finally put this age old debate to rest.

I have tickets for my fringe show that you can order at http://www.fringetoronto.com just go to the shows tab on this bitch and then figure out which show is best for your schedule.

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